This past few month I've done more self discovering than I've ever done 

in a life time.

In the past I would have just let it roll off and bottled it up inside me letting it bubble up inside me this time even though I was tempted to build up walls and not let people in, I learned that is not the way to live. I Even thought I would love for life to always be simple, no conflict, all soft and stress free, Never having problems to solve..... it just isn't so.

All I know is that my heart was hurting for a purpose. I needed to learn that it's okay being who I am and I don't have to make any excuses for being me.I was created for a purpose and with hope. I know that life has learning and experiences that I need to have to grow and learn from. 

As I am quickly coming to my 33rd year I am faced with the wonder that the next 365 days are going to bring me. Do you know that for most of my life  I use to do anything to avoided conflict at all costs, with anyone other then "Hubs" or my parents. I was afraid of what others may think? Especially my in-laws.  I thought that if I spoke up with how I felt that I would be rejected and looked down upon? That to me was more of a fear than speaking up. I was living in the shadow of what I thought would create a perfect world where

there would be no hurts and no pain.

In one years time I've learned that I have to be honest with people.

Not be defensive, rude, or unkind. Just be honest and voice my opinion.

It's okay that someone may disagree. It's okay that someone may even stop being a friend to me even though I thought  they were going to stick by me. It's okay that I may not see eye to eye with everyone, especially my in-laws... I know that they love me. If they all don't I know that the important one's do. I am okay with that.

I will no longer be a door mat. I will only be me. Without honesty and being me, I cannot be true to who I am. No wonder I was a bundle of emotions. Stressed out and full of fear that I wasn't loved....

I didn't know how to resolve conflicts that all seemed to be thrown at me

from all different directions. I will learn that its okay for me to say NO! That I can't just put it all on me to do everything. If my house is messy at times no one is going to come to my house with a white glove and inspect the house. I am the only one that feels like its dirty. 

Its okay for me to say that I have things already planned and not try so hard to do 101 things. I wont let all of that stuff get bottled up  I am going to find my voice,  I will be try to clarify things, voice how I feel, I will love others, and thrive just by being me in the process.

I know that I have became a wreck after years of holding it all inside.

I now know that it's better just to take it as things come instead of always planning my life. I want to live everyday to the fullest with out regret or doing what I think others would want me to do. I need to be ME. Let's face it that this is not a dress rehearsal and we get one life to live. SO I am going to LIVE it!  

I want to be the girl that I use to be the one that lives deep inside of me. The one that I only let out once in a while and its mostly when I am writing. This is when I am most myself. Wearing my heart on my sleeve. I am loved.

                         I love deeply! 

For my entire 33 years  I've always been a people pleaser,

afraid that if I don't always try my very best that I will disappoint those around me. You know they never expected me to be perfect? It was all false expectations I put on myself. I don't always have to be perfect! I'm still a work in progress in this area...and that is okay. 

I do have so many things to look forward to doing this year. Each week I am going to try at least one thing new and blog about it..... It's my birthday weekend and I am excited to spend next week camping at the ocean with my family.  I have been celebrating for a week now! :) Why not.... Right?!? See the new me! 

"Hub's" and I have been giving adoption alot of thought again. We had some personal things happen a few years back and an adoption didn't go through so we put it away. We went and sold or gave away the items that we collected for the homestudy and the call of a baby waiting. Well we decided we are going to give it another go and truly try to give it our all. If it is what we need to do or be then that is what we will do. I am sure over our journey of the ups and downs of adoption I will share bits and pieces of it on here as my outlet I use so often. 

I might even do a personal blog that I share only that on it. 

Have a safe 4th of July weekend. & remember to feel so blessed for the country we leave in today!  

Thankful Thursday..........

Rough days this week. Rough days of always running, trying to do 1000 things, Not feeling to well. Then one of my girlfriend's call me or text me and that is what  puts a smile on my face when I’m not happy.

Spontaneous hugs and/or kisses from "Hubs". 

               A sunny, breezy 79 degree day. that lasts longer then two    days.....WITH NO RAIN!!

letter–a real letter–in the mail. I get a little thrill when there’s a rare piece of proper mail. Cards, thank you notes, or oh a letter.

                                       Fresh blueberrien sale at Costco for $3.99. All for me!

The time spent with my girlfriends this past week...and realizing that for the first time in my life I have all the people that I need or want in my life....

Watching TV with Chris at the end of the day. Even if we’re not snuggling or even on the same sofa. It’s shared unwinding time, and we love most of the same television shows. 

                                             Puppies & Baby belly laughs. They are perfect.

      Our "Fur babies" Cuddling up with us. They are the softest petting them is very soothing.

Rough day? What rough week? I don't remember now what was so rough about it.....but one thing is for sure I am glad that I have another week of things to be thankful for! 

Wordless Wednesday......

Tempt my Tummy Tuesday

Twilight themed Virgin Bloody Mary 

The Bloody Mary is a classic cocktail that's almost as old as Edward. Like him, it only gets hotter with age.

Garnish with a skewer of olives to jazz up the drink's presentation at your Twilight party. 

For the 21 and over crowd, add 1 oz. - 1/2 oz. of vodka to make this virgin a vamp.

Ingredients

• Pinch celery salt
  
• Salt and pepper
  
• 7 drops Worcestershire sauce
  
• 5 drops hot sauce
  
• 1 (6-ounce) container tomato juice
  
• Some celery stalks
  
• Some cherry tomatoes
  
• 1/2 Oz lemon juice
  

Steps

• Combine all of the ingredients in a highball glass containing ice, stir well, and serve with a celery stick and cherry tomato.

Twilight-Inspired Mushroom Ravioli with Butter 

& Parmesan Sauce

Mushroom ravioli is a must for any Twilight party since Bella orders it on her first date with Edward at a restaurant. This version has a nutty flavor that adds depth and complexity to the dish.

Ingredients

• 2 packages (11-oz.) fresh wild mushroom ravioli
  
• 1 Cup unsalted butter
  
• 1/2 Cup fresh basil leaves
  
• 6 Tbsp toasted pine nuts
  
• 1 Whole nutmeg or 1/2 teaspoon grated nutmeg
  
• 2/3 Cup grated Parmesan
  

Steps

• Cook the ravioli in a large pot of boiling salted water until just cooked through, about 5 minutes. Drain and put on a platter.
  
• Meanwhile, cook the butter in a heavy medium frying pan over medium-high heat until pale golden, about 4 minutes. Add the basil leaves and cook until lightly fried, about 2 minutes. Add the pine nuts. Pour over the cooked ravioli. Grate 1/2 teaspoon of nutmeg directly over ravioli. Sprinkle Parmesan over dish and serve.

Twilight-Inspired Caramel Apple Cupcakes

Ingredients

• 1 Cup unsweetened applesauce
  
• 2 Cup(s) all-purpose flour
  
• 1/2 Cup sugar
  
• 1 Tsp ginger
  
• 1 Tsp cinnamon
  
• 1/8 Tsp nutmeg
  
• 1 Tsp baking soda
  
• 1/4 Tsp salt
  
• 2 large eggs
  
• 1/2 Cup oil
  
• 1/4 Cup apple juice
  
• 1 Tsp vanilla
  
• For The Caramel
  
• 2 Cup(s) sugar
  
• 1/2 Cup water
  
• 1-1/2 Tbsp light corn syrup
  
• 2/3 Cup heavy cream
  
• 2 Tbsp unsalted butter, room temperature
  
• For The Cream Cheese Frosting
  
• 8 Oz cream cheese, room temperature
  
• 1 Cup (2 sticks) butter, room temperature
  
• 1 vanilla bean, cut lengthwise and scraped
  
• 1 Lb. (4 cups) powdered sugar, sifted
  
• Garnishes: pretzels, red sprinkles, mint leaves, black sesame seeds
  

Steps

• Preheat oven 350F.
  
• Combine flour, sugar, ginger, cinnamon, nutmeg, baking soda, and salt in a medium sized bowl and whisk to combine. Crack the eggs into a separate, medium sized bowl and beat with a form to break up. Add the oil, apple juice, vanilla, and apple sauce and mix to combine. Combine the wet and dry ingredients until all ingredients come together.
  
• Scoop into cupcake papers about 2/3 full. Bake in 350F oven for 20-22 minutes, rotating the pan after 15 minutes, until a toothpick comes out clean.
  
• To make the caramel: Put sugar, water and corn syrup in saucepan, stir just to combine ingredients. Turn to medium-high heat, without stirring, for 5-10 minutes until caramel turns an amber color. Wipe down any spatters with a pastry brush dipped in cold water. Lower the heat a little and add the cream and butter. (Caramel will bubble!) After the bubbling decreases, stir caramel to break down lumps. Pour into a pyrex measuring cup to cool.
  
• To make the frosting: Whip the butter and cream cheese together in a mixer fitted with a paddle attachment until creamed. Add vanilla beans. Gradually add powdered sugar. Scrape down the bowl as needed.
  
• To assemble cupcakes: Fill cupcakes with caramel using the cone method. Dollop a fairly good amount of frosting and shape into a spherical shape.
  
• Roll cupcake in red sprinkles to cover the frosting. Break off pretzel and stick into the top to resemble a stem. Insert a mint “leaf” in the frosting near the stem. Notch out a “bite” shape and arrange 3 sesame seeds to resemble apple seeds.

Meet Me Monday

1. Did you or do you play a  instrument?
Yes in jr high I played the flute. Did the marching band thing then in 9th grade I played the Cello & violin and loved that more then anything. But didn't keep it up and I really wish I would have. Maybe as an adult I should take it up. I always loved to sing so I gave the band and orchestra to sing. 

 2. What is your pet peeve while driving?

Whoa Nelly!! Don't get me started! I have my list. 

First off it is like finger nails running down a chalk board to be a passenger in a car except to be in the car with my Dad. When Hub's is behind the wheel I feel as if I am in the car with Mr. Magoo. Holly crap my pants... he is never paying attention and if he looks to the right he takes the wheel where his head goes and he always rides the lines I would much rather run into the ditch then the on coming cars. Its funny though he has been in zero accidents and I have been in a ton!! He gets tickets and I have none..so I guess we are tied. :)

Letting people pull in HELLO!!! I just did you a favor MOVE IT!

My biggest driving pet peeve, though? (Ooooooh, this one REALLY gets me...) Is when there is NO one behind me and that is when they decided to pull out in front of me and not just wait the two seconds.... idiots. Be patient. Your time will come, and unless you are rushing to the hospital for some emergency...cool your jets and wait your turn.

3. Would you rather have a housekeeper or unlimited spa services?

This is a pretty easy one for me......because of the OCD Freakinglly clean freak I am my house never really needs attention. ( Maybe this will happen once we adopt our baby.) 

I would go for the spa........this would be good because I would kill two birds one stone!  One of my BFF's has her own spa and its like heaven once you go April you wont go back. 

So I would pick that so I could get some much need BFF time ( that we hardly get because life is so crazy busy!) but also to relieve the stress of life! 

4. Is there a song that you hear that will take you back to the moment, like a junior high or high school dance?

Oh Many! Let's see Vogue,  The humpty dance, Tom's Diner, Summertime,  Good Vibrations, Groove Is In The Heart,   Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) so many more but that is what I can think of right now... makes me want to load up that I-pod with that music! :)

Sorry its Sunday...

First off let me just say that I am so sorry that I haven't been writing as much as I would like. The day's are just flying by. I have been so busy I always think that in the summer is when you have time to rest but that just isn't the case. In fact summer is when it gets hopping. 

I had girlfriends and family over on Friday night 

for a pre-birthday craft night 

&

Stella & dot

&

Gi Gi Hill

It was alot of fun and "Hubs" made lemon drops that were to die for!

SO that kept me busy that day then

yesterday I went and did a house cleaning job

( In case you are like me and have OCD this is a great sickness to have when you get a cleaning job)

I ROCKED it! 

I love cleaning I put my i pod in and go.

Today I am Nannying and as the little one sleeps I pick up and read or write my blog. 

I can't explain to anyone how blessed I feel to have the chance to work for these people. 

They are amazing. ( but I wouldn't think anything less for such great friends.)

This week coming up is going to be so busy.

Tomorrow I am going to go to my Girlfriends and we are doing italian food!

Then we are watching Twilight ,New Moon 

All to prepare for the newest and next movie

Eclipse

I am 110% excited to go see it. 

We are going to hang out at the local bar, 

 celebrate my b-day then walk up to the best movie theater in the world

The firehouse theater

The next day "Hub's"and I are going to get ready for a camping trip.

We are going to Kalaloch & Ruby beach

We are going with my Grandparents Nanna & Poppie & My Mom & Dad.

It is going to be alot of fun, we go every summer have from the time I was 5. 

My Dad & his sisters went every year growing up and it is an amazing place.

& because I am a 14 year old girl trapped in almost 33 year olds body.......

We get to go to FORKS!!!!

at the same time......

Now you throw in the 4th of July weekend and we are even more busy!

 So if I am MIA for a few days 

Please don't hold it against me...cause this girl loves her follwers.

Thankful Thursday!

This week I am thankful for the Sun! I am loving that I have had the sun in our little rainy PNW.  I love the fact that the bright sunshine and the blue skies with the fluffy clouds.

I love my backyard! If I could have one birthday wish it would be a Hammock for the back yard.

To lay in and to read all of the summer books I would love to read. 

I am thankful that I have the love of my friends and family.

I am thankful that its summer because this weather has made me feel

kinda sad. 

There are days when I can be in a crowd and still feel alone.

Very

  overwhelmed.

At this point in my life I feel like my life is so complicated.

 I don't know what I can do to change that.

I need to slow down. 

Summer is when you should take it down a notch.

I feel like its when I am running the most.

I get this way when it is close to my Birthday.

I second guess everything I have done in my life.

So with that Said I have to say. 

I am blessed that I have so many friends

& a close family 

to make me know that I am never alone even when I feel like it

& for that I am Thankful!