This past few month I've done more self discovering than I've ever done
in a life time.
In the past I would have just let it roll off and bottled it up inside me letting it bubble up inside me this time even though I was tempted to build up walls and not let people in, I learned that is not the way to live. I Even thought I would love for life to always be simple, no conflict, all soft and stress free, Never having problems to solve..... it just isn't so.
All I know is that my heart was hurting for a purpose. I needed to learn that it's okay being who I am and I don't have to make any excuses for being me.I was created for a purpose and with hope. I know that life has learning and experiences that I need to have to grow and learn from.
As I am quickly coming to my 33rd year I am faced with the wonder that the next 365 days are going to bring me. Do you know that for most of my life I use to do anything to avoided conflict at all costs, with anyone other then "Hubs" or my parents. I was afraid of what others may think? Especially my in-laws. I thought that if I spoke up with how I felt that I would be rejected and looked down upon? That to me was more of a fear than speaking up. I was living in the shadow of what I thought would create a perfect world where
there would be no hurts and no pain.
In one years time I've learned that I have to be honest with people.
Not be defensive, rude, or unkind. Just be honest and voice my opinion.
It's okay that someone may disagree. It's okay that someone may even stop being a friend to me even though I thought they were going to stick by me. It's okay that I may not see eye to eye with everyone, especially my in-laws... I know that they love me. If they all don't I know that the important one's do. I am okay with that.
I will no longer be a door mat. I will only be me. Without honesty and being me, I cannot be true to who I am. No wonder I was a bundle of emotions. Stressed out and full of fear that I wasn't loved....
I didn't know how to resolve conflicts that all seemed to be thrown at me
from all different directions. I will learn that its okay for me to say NO! That I can't just put it all on me to do everything. If my house is messy at times no one is going to come to my house with a white glove and inspect the house. I am the only one that feels like its dirty.
Its okay for me to say that I have things already planned and not try so hard to do 101 things. I wont let all of that stuff get bottled up I am going to find my voice, I will be try to clarify things, voice how I feel, I will love others, and thrive just by being me in the process.
I know that I have became a wreck after years of holding it all inside.
I now know that it's better just to take it as things come instead of always planning my life. I want to live everyday to the fullest with out regret or doing what I think others would want me to do. I need to be ME. Let's face it that this is not a dress rehearsal and we get one life to live. SO I am going to LIVE it!
I want to be the girl that I use to be the one that lives deep inside of me. The one that I only let out once in a while and its mostly when I am writing. This is when I am most myself. Wearing my heart on my sleeve. I am loved.
I love deeply!
For my entire 33 years I've always been a people pleaser,
afraid that if I don't always try my very best that I will disappoint those around me. You know they never expected me to be perfect? It was all false expectations I put on myself. I don't always have to be perfect! I'm still a work in progress in this area...and that is okay.
I do have so many things to look forward to doing this year. Each week I am going to try at least one thing new and blog about it..... It's my birthday weekend and I am excited to spend next week camping at the ocean with my family. I have been celebrating for a week now! :) Why not.... Right?!? See the new me!
"Hub's" and I have been giving adoption alot of thought again. We had some personal things happen a few years back and an adoption didn't go through so we put it away. We went and sold or gave away the items that we collected for the homestudy and the call of a baby waiting. Well we decided we are going to give it another go and truly try to give it our all. If it is what we need to do or be then that is what we will do. I am sure over our journey of the ups and downs of adoption I will share bits and pieces of it on here as my outlet I use so often.
I might even do a personal blog that I share only that on it.
Have a safe 4th of July weekend. & remember to feel so blessed for the country we leave in today!